The painful shit…

Somewhere along the line something went wrong. I don’t know when and I don’t know why or even what caused it, but somewhere something did. I cannot even say for sure that I know what happened, but I do know that it will be with me for the rest of my life, no matter how it all turns out, good or bad, right or wrong, there will always be some part of me that will wonder why.
At my age I think I have learned a lot about myself. Who I am. What I want and the things I am glad I did and the things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had taken better care of myself, and I wish I had taken better care of my future. I wish that instead of chasing boys and worrying so much about what they wanted from me, I might have paid a little bit more attention to me. What I was going to do, who I was going to be and in what direction I was headed.

But most of all, I wish I had been a better mother, a better listener and a better role model. I also wish I would have made a bigger stink when things really went to shit as they did. Demanded the fucking assholes find the answers they were being paid for. I wish I understood why I couldn’t get him to understand. I don’t understand my own child. I have gotten to the point where I don’t want to hear about him or talk about him or think about him. I don’t want to hear the things that happening about my own child and that breaks my heart. I don’t want to have that shit swirling around in my head. I don’t want to analyze the shit out of every little detail of every little thing wondering where the fuck it happened. What did I do to this kid that made him behave this way? Can anyone tell me that? Can anyone tell me anything? I don’t want this to be happening, but there is nothing that I can do. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?

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